The Birth of a Duchess

Long ago, in the Duchy of McEtiquette, the clan McEtiquette was being presided over by a false ruler. The former Duke Tactful had sought to secure relations with the neighboring kingdom of Mannerbadia, and in doing so married the Princess Indelicate, making her Duchess. Tactful and Indelicate begat a child but woe to the McEtiquettes, Duke Tactful died soon thereafter, and ignoring the wishes of the native McEtiquettes, Duchess Indelicate continued to control the duchy as regent for her son Uncivilious, taking over for herself McEtiquette Manor which had long been seen as the heaven of civility. Some of the McEtiquettes followed their duchess in practicing the vices brought over from Mannerbadia, but there were many who opposed Duchess Indelicate, for she did not possess The Book of the Covenant, the journal of Duchess Manners McEtiquette I, in which she, Duchess Manners I, promised that if everyone followed the Ways of Civility there would be harmony and peace throughout the land.

            Year after year the McEtiquettes who still followed the covenant of Duchess Manners I politely held their tongues at the vices being followed by their duchess and fellow clan members, exchanging only subtle exasperated looks over the rims of their teacups. But at last, hope was given to them. A prophet by the name of Genteel the Well-Behaved came to them from the land of Courteous. And he told them that a sign had been given to him in his tea leaves that there had been born a girl who was a true Daughter of the Duchess. He searched all throughout the duchy until at last he came to the home of Delicacy, the sister of the late duke who had married Extremely Formal. The Formal Family had, since time immemorial, served the McEtiquettes as butlers; their knowledge of civility had been revered and respected until Duchess Indelicate replaced the Formals with her own servants. To Delicacy and Extremely Formal had been born a baby girl, and when Genteel the Well-Behaved beheld the small child he exclaimed aloud. Here, truly, was the Daughter of the Duchess, she who would return the Duchy McEtiquette to civility.

            Delicacy and Extremely invited Genteel the Well-Behaved in for a refreshing cup of tea, and he told them they must name the baby girl Manners II, and he poured for Manners II her first cup of tea.

The Companions of Manners II

            As a child Manners II showed such knowledge and grace of protocol and politeness that many traveled from all over the duchy to listen to her teachings. When at last she reached the tender age of twenty-one she left the home of her beloved parents and traveled the duchy, teaching and speaking the true path of civility. Among the McEtiquettes who either remembered the old ways, or the younger McEtiquettes who yearned from something more, she acquired many students, and twelve of these, who showed the most promise and graciousness, she made her companions. They were: Protocol, Urbane (who would betray Manners II), Politesse the Graceful, Amenities, Formalities and Delicacies—the sons of Gentlemanly Formal, Correctness the Brewer-of-Excellent-Tea, Decorum of Courteous, Gentility and Gracious from Mannerbadia (formerly named Impolite and Crude), and Elegant the Cellist.

Manners II and the Miracle of the Forks

            Now Manners II and her companions reposed at a certain inn during their travels. When the evening five-course meal was served each customer only had one fork and one knife. The innkeeper and the rest of the customers at this inn all were followers of Duchess Indelicate, with the exception of one employee who was secretly from the Formal family. So when Manners II asked that three more forks, two more knives, and one spoon to be brought for her companions and herself there was much scoffing and laughing. The innkeeper brought the requested items with a smirk and said, “There ain’t no one who knows how to eat a five-course meal with that much silverware.” But Manners II just smiled serenely and replied, “Observe, good sir.” She placed three of the forks to the left of her plate, and the three knives were placed to the right of her plate. Beside the knives she placed a spoon, and resting on the spoon she placed the last, and smallest, fork. When the first course of oysters was served, Manners II used the smallest fork; when the soup course was served she used the spoon; when the fish course was served she used the outer fork and outer knife; when the meat course was served she used the next outer fork and knife, and she did so again with the salad and cheese course. And now Manners II was out of silverware and the customers scoffed and laughed again, for she had yet to eat the dessert course. But the employee who was from the Formal family remembered the advice hisgrandfather had given him, that the dessert fork and spoon were served on the plate that also carried said dessert. And when the dessert was served all were speechless, for there, right next to the cheesecake were a fork and a spoon!

            And when Manners II had finished her meal all were amazed to find that every fork and knife had been used, but used only once. “It’s miraculous,” they said to one another. “She used every piece of silverware, but only once, and yet her place setting came out perfect at the end. Truly this woman is wise.”

Manners II Produces a Pleasure of Etiquette

            In the next town Manners II and her companions traveled to, they were greeted by a young moppet. “If you please, ma’am,” the moppet said. “I understand the reason why etiquette is so important, but it is so terribly boring to be lectured about.” Manners II smiled at the young moppet and produced from her reticule a copy of Pride and Prejudice, and she told the moppet to read it during tea.

            Manners II and her companions stayed in the town for three days, and before they could leave on the third day the mother of the moppet came out and kissed Manners II on both her checks. For after reading Pride and Prejudice the moppet had suddenly understood the pleasure that could be derived from etiquette, and from that day forward the moppet never put her elbows on the table.

The Great Masquerade Fire

            Now Duchess Indelicate had heard of the reputation that Manners II had accumulated throughout the Duchy of McEtiquette, and she grew fearful of the woman who people hailed as The Daughter of the Duchess. So she sent her agents to scout and find out how to kill Manners II without the followers rebelling. And so it came to pass that the companion Urbane contacted these scouts and she told them, “Have an undercover agent of Duchess Indelicate hold a masquerade ball and invite Manners II. During the mask I shall lure her into an empty room and there you shall kill her.” And the scouts agreed to this.

            Soon after this Manners II received an invitation from Genial the Not-Quite-Civilized to his masquerade ball, and so Manners II and her companions got properly dressed and left to attend the masquerade. In the middle of the dancing Urbane asked Manners II to come with her into the parlor, for she had something of great urgency to report. When they arrived in the parlor five scouts were waiting, all holding knives and lanterns. But when Manners II saw them she let out a small condescending laugh. This so startled one of the scouts that he let go of his lanterns and immediately the parlor was engulfed in flames. When the smoke reached the ballroom the crowed fled in fear. From the safety of the lawn the crowd watched as the parlor windows blazed red and then suddenly went black. Cautiously the crowd made their way to the parlor and all looked on in amazement at what they saw. The parlor had been completely burned, but the fire had not touched any other part of the manor. There wasn’t a single body to be found.

The Return of Manners II

            Three days later Delicacy and Extremely Formal sat down with the companions to tea. Quietly they bemoaned the loss of their dear daughter and teacher. They expressed the love and admiration for her in the most delicate of language until quite suddenly the door to the parlor opened and Manners II herself stepped out and sat down with her friends and parents. Despite their great curiosity, no one asked Manners II any questions until she had refreshed herself with a cup of tea and a watercress sandwich. When she had finished, Manners II smiled at the subtle looks of inquiry that were being directed at her, and she said unto her parents and companions, “Be not amazed, my dear friends, for it is written in The Book of the Covenant that the truly polite shall always be cared for by our great ancestor, Duchess Manners McEtiquette I. Because our way of civility is true and proper, I have been resurrected to take my rightful place in the Duchy of McEtiquette, and ascend to the throne.” Her parents and companions were agog to find out how she planned to ascend as duchess, and in desperation Elegant the Cellist coughed politely for an explanation. With a look just barely bordering on smug, Manners II pulled from her reticule The Book of the Covenant. 

The Ascension of Duchess Manners McEtiquette II

            Immediately after tea Manners II and her companions left for McEtiquette Manor where Duchess Indelicate lived, and by the time they reached their destination they had acquired a large, but polite, crowd of followers. And when Duchess Indelicate saw the large assemblage she grew afraid and sent out her butler to deal with them. But when her butler beheld Manners II holding The Book of the Covenant he did not disperse the assemblage, but opened wide the doors and stepped aside for them to enter. The butler, along with the footmen and maids, found chairs for Manners II and her companions to be comfortable in and brought them refreshments while they waited for Duchess Indelicate to make an appearance. But Duchess Indelicate had also seen The Book of the Covenant and at last her fear of Manners II overcame her, and she fled in shame back to the land of Mannerbadia. Her son, Uncivileous, came down after his mother had fled, and beholding for himself The Book of theCovenant, he bowed before Manners II, and proclaimed her a true Daughter of the Duchess, and the rightful ruler of McEtiquette.